Sonder – As I
searched for ‘my’ word, I searched a site that promised beautiful words…and I
found sonder:
“...the realization that each random passerby is living a
life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions,
friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness”
Immediately I thought back to my childhood and the train trips I took
with my grandmother to and from Kansas City and Los Angeles…wonderful trips
through towns I’d visit as an adult. Every time the train would slow going
through a town, I’d smash my face up against the window to look at all those
people I’d never meet…people walking out of shops, riding their bikes home,
eating dinner, doing homework. I was deeply aware of a connection ‘through a
glass darkly.’ We were all terribly human, but we knew nothing about each
other. Our lives only intersected for that moment as a child making a blurry
mess on a train window searched…for what, she didn’t know. It was sonder I was
experiencing…that feeling that we were all alike and all unknowable.
If I choose sonder as my word, what will that impel me to do, think,
say? How will that drive me through 2016? How does that matter?
I want to recapture that feeling of wonder as I work with others,
remembering they are rich, complex people whose lives are unknowable…I want to
respect and honor their lives as important. I want to work with others, knowing
much of their lives and hearts are and always be secret and hidden. I can
appreciate them without understanding. I can work with them, without agreeing
on every facet of our lives. I can give them their separateness.
I don’t have to feel slighted or frustrated when others don’t respond
the way I think they should…they are living their complex lives…as
the stars of their story. I’m rightfully a bit player in their story. And
that’s the way it should be.
I will face my year with wills and won’ts
I will
- Respect
- Listen
- Honor
- Appreciate
- Look for commonalities
- Find the intersections in our lives
- Find patience for others
- Assume positive intent
- Look for ways to contribute
- Step back and breathe
I won’t
- Take things personally
- Assume others understand me
- Brood
- Feel hurt
- Assume others are ignoring me, meaning to slight me
- Assign motives to others’ behavior or words
Focusing on sonder will allow me to find my own truth and let others
find the same.
The children who visit the elementary library where I volunteer have
rich, complex lives…they need me to stop and listen. Their insights are keen. Their
feelings are real. Stopping to visit and really visit will show them I care
about them. That I want to hear a bit of their story and spend a moment or so
with them.
Adults deserve the same respect…my silent acknowledgment of their truth
and their stories will help me keep a balance, and help me focus on our common
goals. I don’t have to be a main character in their story. It’s fine to be a
walk-on. I can still contribute.
Some policy makers may present a challenge. And I think I need to face
that challenge. A person who disagrees with me on policy is not an evil person…he
or she works from a different story, a different complex life. I cannot begin
to know or understand, but I don’t have to in order to look for that
connection.
Even now as an adult I people-watch, making up imaginary lives for
strangers I see on the street. Even now, I love reading fiction because I am
allowed to participate in rich, complex lives of totally fictional characters.
And then I learned it’s a totally made-up
word with no etymology. It was invented, as Shakespeare invented words he
needed, by the Dictionary
of Obscure Sorrows. I love that title as much as I love the word ‘sonder’.
But I’m sticking with my made-up word, because I so deeply identify with
the concept. I’ve felt it my whole life…feeling separate and apart, and yet
knowing others felt the same.
So, wish me luck as I face my year with sonder and respect and patience
and trust.
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